


Starlight Haze

by cherrypiecas



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 1984, Additional Warnings Apply, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Angst and Feels, Bisexual Castiel, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Depression, Destiel - Freeform, F/M, Fluff, Heavy Angst, Homophobic John Winchester, M/M, Missing in Action, My First Destiel Fanfic, Possible Character Death, Power Bottom Castiel, Religious Castiel, Self-Harm, Smut, Suicide Attempt, Top Dean, Wanderlust, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-26
Updated: 2015-04-26
Packaged: 2018-03-25 21:53:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3826360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherrypiecas/pseuds/cherrypiecas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What began originally as the boring summer and lonely life of Castiel Novak, seventeen years old, in the summer of 1984 slips away, transsforming into the romance of Dean Winchester and Castiel Novak, at least until Dean begins to slip away. That's when Castiel discovers something about Dean that leaves him as silent as the lonely mountain.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 365 Days Before.

Anna jerked on the arm of Castiel Novak as she hauled him towards the car. It was the summer of '84. Her shoulder-length, normally soft, silky and smooth red hair was teased into a stringy, frizzy and curly mess. "It's fashion, Castiel!" she always claimed, frustrated with his endless questions about pop culture. Castiel smoothed down the sides of his trench coat before opening the passenger side door. He sat down on the rough, cracked leather seat that was sticky from the humidity. He shrunk down really low on the passenger side of the old 1969 Dodge Charger that had probably not had work done since, well, 1969. Anna always complained about the old car, but Castiel loved the sound the engine made. Anna turned the keys in the slot and ignited the engine. The loud rumbling engine sound it made caused Castiel to crack a smile, but Anna scowled.

"Piece of trash," she mumbled before pulling back on the gears and pulling out of the Novak house's driveway.

They made it only about two blocks down before Castiel spoke.  
"Anna, you're my sister, and I love you, but why am I attending this collage party? I'm only 17 years old, a senior in high school, not a college student," Castiel sighed loudly.

Anna slammed her hand on the steering wheel and turned up the radio that had the pop song she adored but Castiel didn't know the name of. Her earrings jingled as she turned to Castiel.

"You need to loosen up, Castiel!" she explained, "This is the perfect time to meet some girls, relax, and have some fun. You can't just hide in your room all the time with your nose in a book."

Castiel rolled his eyes and leaned in on the stereo, spinning the dial to zero and turning the face the window because it was easier than facing his sister.

"I'm not going to know anyone there," Castiel complained, resting his chin on his hand.

Anna continued down the road, ignoring his request to not go, then turned off into the neighborhood of Charlie Bradbury.

"The most popular girl in the entire school, and I'm her best friend," Anna half-bragged, half-assured herself, pushing back a frizzy curl that found its way on to her forehead, "Charlie's a senior who's so hot, every guy wants to date her."

Castiel shrugged and commented, "Why do I care?"

"Everyone will adore you!" Anna chirped.

Castiel scrunched up his face, lifting an eyebrow.

"Oh!" Anna squeaked as she spotted the house with the driveway full of cars. She parked the car out front, the engine making an awful sputtering noise before falling dead silent.  
Castiel reached for the door handle when Anna locked the doors.

"Okay. Ground rules," Anna spit out, pausing for a second to actually think of what they should be.  
"Rule one; you have to communicate with one other person besides me, preferably more. Besides, everyone's dying to meet you."

She then reached for the glove compartment, popping it open with a single key. Out tumbled a bottle of straight vodka and sweet wine. She clutched them close to her body, smoothing her tight dress that revealed more of Anna than Castiel had ever seen. Anna had always been an extreme extrovert. She flashed an excited smile at Castiel before unlocking the side doors and tossing the keys in her purse. She handed the bottle of wine to Castiel before opening her side door.

"How did you-," Castiel whispered breathily, shocked at his sister's actions, although he shouldn't have been.

"I have my sources." She winked.

Castiel developed a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach, but he waved it off as simply social anxiety. Anna's high heels clopped on the pavement. The early June sun was just starting to drop below the clouds, sending beautiful transcending colors of fine oranges, deep reds, and even a slight violet hue lingering near the horizon. It was 9:45pm, Castiel thought, and the night life of a bunch of 18-20 year olds was about to begin. He followed behind Anna hesitantly in the background.

That's how it worked in his family as well. Anna was the prized pet of the family, with Michael as a close second. Lucifer and Gabriel were the black sheep, and received lots of attention for it. Castiel was the youngest, and simply ignored no matter what he did. He got all A's one year, and no one noticed. He even dyed a strip of hair with temporary dye to see if his parents noticed, but no one did. He eventually gave up, confined to the loneliness of his bedroom.

Anna was probably the only one that ever paid attention to Castiel. She was the third youngest, Gabriel being the second. This was Anna's last year of community college, which she had taken two years at before she transferred to Swarthmore College, where she received a full ride scholarship. He knew Anna tried to understand him, but she would never understand how it felt to feel so alone within your own family.

Anna rang the doorbell, signaling for Castiel to join her at the door, but he only took a few steps closer, not daring to step on the porch. An already drunk Charlie answered the door, swinging it wide open, slightly slurring her words.

"Hey Anna, how are you!" She smirked, and then peeked behind her at the sheepishly smiling Castiel, who was rubbing the back of his neck. "Oh. My. God. Is this your baby brother you promised to bring? What's his name?"

Castiel tried not to stare at the other redhead girl who wore the same dress as his sister. He took her hand, shaking it.  
"I'm Castiel. Castiel Novak. Seventeen years old." He bit his lip.

"He's so young!" Charlie exclaimed, "Well, come inside!"

Charlie grabbed the bottles of wine and vodka and set them on the stairs. Anna grabbed Castiel's hand and pulled him through the doorway. He was suddenly embraced into a loud pandemonium of dumb, drunk young adults.

"Hey, everyone!" Charlie called, getting everyone's attention quicker than a snap of the fingers.  
The eyes of what seemed to be two billion people to Castiel all were on Charlie. A tall boy with short hair the color of sand wrapped his arm protectively around Charlie.  
"Anna's here with her little brother she promised to show us. His name is Castiel."

Castiel felt himself reach back and rub his neck, a nervous habit he developed a little while back. Everyone stared for about thirty seconds before returning to their conversations. A few girls scampered up to Anna, admiring Castiel as if he was a piece of artwork.

"Oh, he's cute!" the girl with the hair the color of sunflowers whispered furiously.

He felt the heat rise into his cheeks at the comment. Charlie winked at Castiel before retrieving the wine and vodka from the steps, sauntering off with who seemed to be her boyfriend. The whispering girls joined the chatter with Anna, who began to slowly disappear into the crowd. Castiel stood awkwardly at the arch of the stairs, leaning on the wall.

"Anna?" he called before seeing the last of her messy red curls disappear into the crowd of turned backs.  
He bit his lip, wondering that if he drove himself back home without getting caught by the cops because he only had a learner's permit and came back at 4:00am he could pick up Anna without her noticing. He decided and against it and stared at his feet. He suddenly inched for Anna and without a second thought, sprinted into the swarm of young adults spilling their drinks and dancing along to the radio. He pushed by everyone until a flash of a leather-jacket-wearing man's shoulder hit Castiel's shoulder, sending him crashing down into the hardwood. No one seemed to notice except for the leather jacket wearing guy. Castiel squeezed his eye shut at the impact. Stealing a quick glance, he saw the desperate green forests of the stranger in a shocked gaze.

"Are you okay?" the voice was slightly raspy, but not too much so.

The man had hair the color of caramel that reminded Castiel of going to the fair as a child. Castiel felt the blood rush to his cheeks, accepting the hand the man offered. His hands had rough calluses that sent a shiver into Castiel's spine.

"You're Anna's brother, right?" He tilted his head at a slight angle, "Castiel?"

His name rolled off the stranger's tongue effortlessly, seeming so perfect, although it was just a gesture.

"I-I was j-just leaving," Castiel felt the blood rush to his cheeks and head for the door.  
This stranger was a jock, he could tell. Castiel kept losing himself in those eyes of his. The feelings confused him. Castiel had never been attracted to a guy before, but here he was. He tried to get away before he couldn't anymore.

"Hold on," the stranger grasped Castiel's shoulder, spinning him around to face him once more, "Stick around. You seem more interesting than your sister." The stranger gestured towards his sister, who openly chugged a beer. 

"I'm just Anna's shadow," Castiel stared at his feet, trying to avoid the stranger's breathtaking eyes.

"Cas, there's got to be more to you then that." The nickname rose within a few minutes of meeting Castiel. He had never been called "Cas" before but the way it rolled off the stranger's tongue was irresistible.

"Who are you?" Castiel asked, stealing yet another quick glance at the stranger's eyes before staring back down. 

"Dean Winchester." He extended a hand to shake with Castiel taking it gratefully. 

Dean Winchester. Dean Winchester. Dean Winchester. Castiel's mind raced, spelling Dean's name over and over again as he swallowed hard.

"How do you know Anna?" Castiel asked.

Dean rolled his eyes, "How about we talk less about your sister and more about you. Anna's just like all the other popular girls, so ordinary. You're new and different."  
Castiel had to restrain himself from letting his jaw drop. All anyone wanted to do was talk about Anna and Michael instead of Castiel, especially his parents. They skipped his 8th grade graduation to go to Michael's college meet & greet. 

"Cas, what is your favorite color?" Dean interrupted.

Castiel didn't even pause to think he just blurted out,  
"Green." 

A girl shakily sauntered up to Dean, clopping her high heels. It was the girl who called Castiel 'cute' earlier.   
"Dean~" she seductively called him.

Castiel sighed. He should've known. This was probably Dean's girlfriend.  
"For the last time Stephanie, no, I don't want to have sex," Dean sounded highly irritated and exhausted.   
Stephanie crossed her arms, huffing and tottered her way back into her friend group.

"C'mon Cas, let's get out of here," Dean sighed.

"But, I just met you." Castiel protested, "You could be a serial killer." 

"I didn't say we were leaving entirely. At least, not yet." Dean flashed a smile, persuading Castiel to follow him out the door. It was 11:03pm, and the sun was taking the last little bit of its shift in the sky. The eddied colors of deep red, shimmering dark blue, mysterious violet, and raven black took up the sky. Dean grabbed the porch bar, shutting the door. He invited Castiel to stand by him. Dean was silent as he watched the last bit of light escape the sky. Castiel bit his lip. 

"This party was a really bad idea," Castiel mumbled, hardly loud enough for Dean to hear.

Dean lifted an eyebrow, "How so? You got to meet me, but I didn't really get to meet you."

Castiel argued, "But I don't really know you. All I know is that your name is Dean Winchester." 

Dean sighed, arching one corner of his mouth into a smile, "Well, I live in a single apartment, I'm 19 years old, sophomore. I enjoy mountain-climbing, football, and stargazing. I write novels, I guess. I got a little brother named Sammy who's only 15. I have one dad. I dislike ordinary people. I like a little excitement," he paused, "Oh yeah, and I'm bisexual."

Castiel widened his eyes by accident on the last detail and described his life, "Well um, I still live at home. My birthday's in about 6 months. I'm 17. I like, uh, running and reading. I have seven brothers and two sisters. My parents are both super religious. I don't like people that much. I'm kind of the forgotten sheep of my family." 

Dean frowned, "How could they forget you?" 

Castiel shook his head, "I'm hopelessly boring." 

Dean furrowed his eyes, "Cas, you're endlessly fascinating."

Castiel stared Dean straight in the eyes.  
"Dean, how much did you drink?" 

Dean raised up his arms in defense and retreated, "You know what? Fine. I'm leaving."

Castiel stared out and felt the tears burn his eyes. He screwed up yet another chance for a friend. He sprinted after him, "Dean, wait."  
Dean slammed the driver's side door and looked up at Castiel with hurt eyes. Castiel flung open the passenger side door.  
"Dean."

Dean reached out, seizing Castiel's shirt, and pulling him into the car. It was an old Chevy Impala 1967. Castiel tumbled inside, letting the door slam shut behind him. 

"Dean, where are we going? I don't even know you." Castiel's voice shook.

Dean grinned, slamming his hand on the steering wheel, "I just called the cops. They're smoking weed." 

Castiel's face fell, "My sister's in there. My parents are going to kill her!" 

"Have you ever wanted payback for all those times she's treated you like trash and left you alone?" Dean sneered, "Especially now, at this stupid college party!"

"But-," he tried to argue, but Dean was right. Castiel's eighth grade graduation, she skipped because she hung out with friends. When he was three, Anna told him Santa wasn't real. When he lost his first tooth, Anna stole the money from him and told him it was hers. Anna had let him fall into his reign of loneliness, and this party was supposed to send him back into the grid of social interaction. All those times he asked for her to be there for them and she waved it off. Their parents fell in love with her. She had them under her thumb. They couldn't possibly get angry at her.

"Okay." Castiel breathed, "But where are we going?"

"Somewhere far away," Dean had a faraway gaze in his eyes as the first star's reflection burned brightly into the sky as he pulled out of the driveway.


	2. 365 Days Before.

365 days before   
Castiel gripped both sides of the passenger side seat of the 1967 Chevy Impala. As Dean sped out of the neighborhood, the wailing sirens of the cop cars grew increasingly closer and the lights flashed as they passed the Impala completely. Dean sighed, slouching his shoulders and resting his head back on the headrest.   
Castiel's guilt did not fade with his fear. He gulped at the thought of Anna being put into handcuffs, arrested, for underage drinking and possession of alcohol. 

"So um, Dean," Castiel sighed, fiddling with his hands, "Since we're not going to get arrested, where are we going?" 

He paused, waiting for an answer that never came. It grew increasingly darker, and the stars began to come out on the shimmering navy blue sky. Dean's silence dug deeper than any knife ever could. A few stop lights came and went as the Impala traveled farther and farther away.

"Dean..." Castiel said breathlessly, mostly due to anxiety. He stared out the passenger side window, avoiding Dean's lush forest green eyes.

"What?" Dean grumbled as he turned the Impala hard, pulling over to the side of the road. The car's engine rumbled on.

"J-just... Where are you taking me? And...are you...drunk?" Castiel fiddled with the collar of his trenchcoat.

"Cas, I'm not drunk. I haven't had anything to drink. Because I'm the youngest, I have to be the designated driver of my friends." Dean sounded annoyed.

"If they were your friends, why did you call the cops on them?" Castiel tilted his head slightly.

"That's the point. They're not. Just a bunch of dicks." Dean's voice trailed off.

Dean put his hand on Cas' shoulder and ran his hand down the side of it. Castiel looked away from the window and stared Dean straight in the eyes. The silence between the two boys was rough and tight and the tension grew stronger and stronger until Castiel broke the silence.

"Dude, I'm not gay." Castiel spoke mostly to assure himself, not Dean. He knew he was straight, so why was this stranger challenging that factor?  
Dean blushed awkwardly, immediately removing his hand from the dark-haired boy and rested in on his lap. He stared at his feet before pulling the keys from the ignition and it falling dead silent.

"You're strange, not like most jocks. You seem to be...I don't know....just different," Castiel scoffed, digging his nails into his thigh.

"You don't make any sense," Dean mumbled, the keys jingling as he shoved them into his leather jacket pocket and throwing the driver side door open. He ran his fingers through his hair before stepping out and slamming the door shut. He ran straight by the car and into the woods of leafy and piney trees. His footsteps gradually became farther away as Castiel slammed his head back into the seat.

Castiel closed his eyes, regretting his decision. He reopened them and shoved open the passenger side door open, slamming it shut before taking off into a full blown sprint after Dean, crunching the old leaves from the winter before and snapping twigs that had recently fallen.

"Dean?" Castiel called out, only to hear the sound of his own voice echoing back to him.   
Castiel sighed as he forced breath through his lungs as he stomped on the dry leaves. The woods were completely black, making it hard for Castiel to even navigate through the lush forest. He wiped the brush out of his face.

Damnit, Castiel thought. Quite a bit of a softie. But he was a cute softie. Wait. I'm not gay. Not gay. Not gay. Not gay. No way. Castiel shook his head.  
He shivered as he felt a draft settle in right between his shoulders. Castiel could make out the outline of what appeared to be a mountain as he stumbled closer and closer to an opening or clearing. An owl hooted off somewhere in the distance.

"Dean." Castiel mumbled more to himself than to actually call him.

Castiel strolled into the clearing, his feet sinking into the soft green grass. A meadow. Castiel thought. The moon was a vibrant cream color, the craters extremely prominent. He was alone. Passing through the clearing was effortless. The moonlight lit up the outline of a single mountain-seeming structure although it was probably just a cliff. It reminded Castiel of himself- hopelessly lost in his own solitude.

He sighed and wandered closer to the rocky structure. He shoved his toes into a dip and grabbed a piece of rock that jutted out with his hands. He climbed about 50 feet up or so before the stinging fear of heights ripple throughout his body but the memory of Dean Winchester's gleaming green eyes was enough to block his fear.  
"Homosexuality is wrong," Castiel heard the voice of his father, the preacher's words repeat in his head again as he forced the breath out of his body. A huge ledge jutted out from the side, a bit to his left and north. He forced his body upwards, quivering from the soreness of his muscles. 

"A man shalt not lieth with another man as he does a woman." His father's voice roared in his ears, digging a hole in Castiel's heart. He often never spoke to his youngest son, but when he did, it was always about obeying the church. After all, Castiel had been named after Cassiel, the angel of Saturday. The name stuck.   
Castiel then remembered the time when playing hide and seek with his brothers and sisters when his father called them in, forgetting Castiel, who was left outside for two hours before he surrendered and went inside.

He pulled himself up again and again, trying to find new slots to fit his toes. The ledge became closer and close as he climbed. As he grew level with the ridge, he looked out onto the point. The outline of a person sat out on the ledge, feet dangling over.

Dean.

Castiel shivered at the thought of looking down or even falling. He moved sideways until he was one step away. Stepping onto the platform, he sprawled out onto his arms and legs, his muscles crying out in fatigue. He whispered softly.

"Dean." 

Dean's head whipped around, letting his eyes from Castiel's eyes to his lips, looking like he'd seen a ghost. His leather jacket lay folded beside him. Castiel flashed a sheepish smile, rubbing his hand on the back of his neck. He wandered into the once-lush forests of Dean's eyes, that had now become drained. 

"You okay?" Castiel blinked, sympathizing with Dean. 

Dean shrugged before picking up a bottle of wine that rested in his lap. He clanked his keys, opening the bottle and pulling out two plastic red cups. He filled them with the contents of the bottle, offering one to Castiel. Dean tipped the cup back, sipping his wine. Castiel sniffed it shyly. 

"What, you've never had wine before?" Dean snickered, cracking a smile.

"No, I haven't even drank," Castiel frowned, "Like I said, my Dad is a preacher." 

"Well, it's pretty good," Dean shrugged as he poured himself another half-cupful. 

Castiel threw back his head, forcing the wine into his throat. It burned slightly, but felt warm inside of him afterwards. Dean's amusement grew. He shook his head slightly.  
"More." Castiel demanded, staring straight at Dean. The taste reminded him of sour grapes and had a slight hint of strawberries. 

"Strawberry Hill," Dean muttered as he poured another glass for Castiel.

Castiel once again jerked his head backwards once more, drinking the wine as if it were a shot. 

"What are you doing up here?" Castiel asked, taking a third glass of wine. 

"I could ask you the same thing," Dean muttered.

Castiel sighed before putting the empty cup in his lap and running his fingers through his own thick black hair.

"I just..." Dean paused for a second, " I just want to run away from this life." 

Castiel restrained from letting his jaw drop. "Why? You're probably an amazing football player, have a little brother, a bunch of jock friends, and your dad-" 

"Who drinks himself into a drunken stupor every night," Dean snapped. "You're not the only one who has a sucky life, Cas. Honestly, I'm just tired. This is the closest god damn thing to actually running away. I planned to run away soon, tomorrow actually. But then you showed up and you're probably the only thing that's keeping me here."

Castiel swallowed and widened his eyes, surprised by the boy's words.

"I came here for stargazing. But the only stars I want to see are the ones reflecting off your eyes." Dean bit his lip, standing up and raising his hands in defense. "And I know I just met you, but I can't fight this feeling."

Castiel tried to tell himself over and over, please don't like him and it's just the wine, but he knew it wasn't the case. He heard the voice of his father burning into his head.   
"Homosexuality is wrong. All fags will burn in hell." 

Dean sat back down, hugging his knees and leaning in closer on Castiel's face. Castiel's mind told him no, but his body said yes. His lips ached to meet Dean's as his father's words flurried through his mind.

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. 

Dean was nose to nose with Castiel when Dean pressed his lips against his. He started out slow and when Castiel joined in, he kissed him as if Cas was oxygen and he was suffocating. Dean tasted like Strawberry Hill Wine and had a slight hint of vanilla. As they broke away for a second, Castiel was breathless. He found the breath as he traced the line of Dean's smile on his lips.

"Kiss me."


	3. 365/364 Days Before.

The walk back to the Impala was excruciatingly silent. Dean had only had two cups of Strawberry Hill, and he'd been drinking for quite a while. Castiel, on the other hand, had four or five. His mind races from the alcohol's ravaging effects. He wanted Dean, all of him from the lightly dusted freckles that dashed from the brim of his nose to his pale cheeks to his rough callused hands that felt perfect when they linked their fingers together. But he knew better than to know that they would get a happy ending. His dad would send him out of house, forcing him to live on the streets, and Castiel knew better than to disobey. The words of his father continued to play in his mind like a stuck record.  
The Impala remained unharmed throughout the entire incident. Dean shoved the forest's brush aside as he cracked a smile at his baby. Castiel flailed his arms at the brush and stumbled to either side due to the alcohol.

"Lightweight." Dean whispered to himself.

"Huh?" Castiel's words began to slur.

"Get in the car, Cas." Dean chuckled as he opened the passenger side door. 

"Okie-Dokey," he giggled.

Castiel slid down into his seat, pulling the seat belt across his chest and clicking it into the slot. Dean opened the drivers side door, sitting down, and running his hands down the side of the wheel before slamming the door shut and strapping himself in.

"Cas, what's your phone number?" Dean slipped him a pen, offering him an arm to write on. Castiel carefully etched each digit on to his arm.  
"I'll call you later, I guess," Dean assured, "and... Cas, where do you live?"

Castiel didn't even hesitate to blurt out, "4785 Ocean Brooks Lane."

Dean nodded as he shoved his keys into the keyhole and twisted them. Castiel sunk lower and lower into his seat before scooting up slightly. Dean continued down the dark road, turning a few times before reaching Ocean Brooks Lane. Castiel stared out the window, taking in the familiar sights of the neighborhood he'd grown and spent his entire life in. A single car was parked outside the Novak's driveway. It was a small, plain looking house painted a simple cream color with navy blue shutters and a black mailbox. There was a small garden with crimson red roses and pastel violet orchids. Castiel enjoyed drawing the small petals on every picture and the bees that surrounded them, that now retreated to their hives. Dean cruised into the driveway next door, hosting a stakeout on the Novak household. A few minutes had gone by, and Dean flicked his headlights off before turning off his car altogether. 

A middle aged man threw open the door of the house, stomping down to his car and whipping open the door of his new car he'd gotten just two months before. Castiel's mind raced with the wonders of why his father would do that, with the alcohol slowing down his brain. Then it hit him.

Anna.

Dean cracked the gum he'd popped in his mouth a few minutes before and pressed his fingers to the frayed area of his jeans. Castiel's mother, a woman of raven colored hair and a loose nightgown watch her husband speed out of the driveway before shaking her head and strutting back into the house. All went quiet before Dean turned back to face Castiel. The night seemed like it couldn't ever come to an end, and Castiel had even been hoping it wouldn't, but here it was. 2am and coming to a close. 

"Will I ever be able to see you again?" Dean clicked his gum.

"You can't." Castiel stared at his toes as he trailed off.

"Is the risk of your dad finding out really worth more than the chance for us to happen?" Dean bit his lip hard.

Castiel had no response to give to Dean. He simply stared, giving him the saddest look he'd ever seen. He had hoped he would never have to say goodbye, but here it was, smashing him in the face again and again. He leaned forward and pressed his lips against Dean's, the effect of Strawberry Hill making his mind go crazy as he tasted it on Dean's lips. He pulled away gently, running a finger down Dean's jawline. 

"I'm sorry." Castiel open the Impala's door, fleeing around the side of the Novak's house. The air felt nice and cool as Castiel quietly opened the basement window before climbing in and flopping on to his bed. He was exhausted from climbing and Strawberry Hill, but the thought of Dean was enough to make him restless. He pulled his knees close, hugging them snugly to his body. Dean had been gone for less than ten minutes and Castiel already craved his touch. The memory of pressing his lips to Dean's was enough to keep him up all night. He ran his fingers through his thick black hair before propping his back up on a kingdom of pillows with no pillowcases. He leaned over, picking up his copy of the bible. Pressing the palms of his hands together, he got on his knees and closed his eyes into a prayer.

I kissed the lips of another man today. I know it's a sin to do so, but he was irresistible. I may be in love with him. I know I am sinful, please forgive me. I am thankful for all of the resources you have provided me. Amen.

Castiel sighed as he opened his bible rereading the verse. Lev. 20:13, the dreaded verse. He cringed as he heard the front door slam shut. It was silent for a moment before he heard his father's voice.

"Anna Crystal Novak." He did not yell, which was much more frightening to Castiel than him yelling.

"I can explain-" Anna panted, her voice childishly crackling.

"Please do." A low rumble shot from his father.

"T-they made me...and Castiel was there too!" She squeaked out and he stiffened greatly.

"First you get arrested for underage drinking and then you're pointing fingers at your brother who never even leaves the basement, much less attends a collage party! Anna, I'm very disappointed." His mother's voice rang out.

"Your future is ruined. You'll never be a doctor now. Go to your room, now." He could hear his father's disapproval.

Castiel lie back on his bed, lying back and pulling the covers over his pounding head and shutting his eyes. His last thought was of the way Dean's lips curled into a smile.

 

-

Castiel leaned his head over the side of the toilet bowl, vomiting up the memories of the night before (specifically, Strawberry Hill). His head ached like nothing he'd ever experienced before. The argument between Anna and his parents was dim and fuzzy in his head, but the memory of Dean's eyes the first time they met was burned into his brain. Wiping his mouth, he gagged before flushing away the remains. He dug through the medicine cabinet before discovering Anna's Advil. He swallowed the two pills dry before rinsing his mouth out in the sink. The phone's familiar ring blared as Castiel dashed out of the bathroom to answer it. He stretched his legs out across the couch as he twisted the cord around his finger. 

"Hello. Who is this?" Castiel asked politely.

"Hey, Cas." The familiar voice flooded him with excitement and terror all at the same time. 

"Dean." He sucked in a breath, "I thought we agreed we weren't allowed to...um..."

"Listen, I know you made that decision, but it's a stupid ass decision, so I've decided against it. I've been up all night thinking about you. By the way, how's your hangover." Castiel could tell Dean was smiling at the end as he said the last part.

"Great." He said sarcastically.

"So, meet me at Harvelle's at six?" Dean asked quietly. 

"Dean..."

"Listen Cas. I'm going to be there, and whether you show up or not will be the last chance whether I decide if I'm truly in love with you." Dean hung up the phone after the words.

Castiel held the receiver to his mouth a few seconds more before whispering an "Okay" into the dead line. He placed the phone back into its holder and lay back on the couch. Who knew one leather jacket wearing boy could change everything so much in one night? Summers like this were usually painfully dull and slow, but now something was different. Maybe he would grow to like the difference.


	4. 364 Days Before.

Castiel pulled on some shorts over his boxers he'd worn the night before. He pulled off the loose Beatles t-shirt his dad had given to him a few days before and replaced it with a simple pastel blue t-shirt. Still feeling slightly dizzy, he popped an anti-nausea pill before creeping out of the basement. His mother sipped coffee from a mug while mixing pancake batter in a bowl.

"Hi Mom. What going on?" Castiel stretched his arms backwards.

"Ann- oh it's you, Castiel." She wiped her sweaty palms on her pants as she eyed her youngest child and son. "Stir this for me?" She offered him a mixing spoon. He stirred the mixture slowly as she prepared the pan. Picking up a cup, she poured a small amount on the pan. Lucifer and Gabriel thundered down the stairs at the same time, smirking devilishly.

"Gabe and Luc! Naomi, Zachariah, and Balthazar are coming to brunch. Please go set the table. Castiel, make the fruit salad and-" she spotted Anna sulkily slump around the corner, "Anna make the eggs." His mother's tone had a sharp edge while speaking to Anna.

Anna reluctantly opened the fridge, allowing Castiel to slide past to get the strawberries, blueberries, and raspberries. He yanked the knife from the cutting block, chopping off the top of each strawberry and slicing it into half before returning it to the bowl. He'd just finished making the fruit salad when he heard the front door swing open. 

"Naomi!" He heard his father's excitement, but knew it was more forced than anything.

Naomi had married when she was only 18, having kids at the young age of 20 years old. Their father's disapproval stung deep, but he had to play nice, at least for these family brunches they did every month. 

"Hey Dad," she mumbled, hugging him.

The twins rushed inside as Castiel wiped his hands on a rag. He'd never gotten to truly know Naomi because of the age gap, but he thought of her as nice.

"Grandma Claire, Grandma Claire!" The shrill voices of the twin boy and girl collided as they wrapped their arms around his mother's legs. 

They were a mere 2 years old now, and he remembered holding the young Caleb just after he'd been brought home from the hospital.

"All right, all right. Calm down now, Grace and Caleb." Naomi, smiled vividly, proud of her children. She turned to Gabriel and Lucifer, hugging them both before making her way to the kitchen, "Are Zach and Balty here yet?" Naomi was much closer to Zachariah and Balthazar than anyone else.

"No, hon." His mother pushed away her grandchildren, who immediately went to greet Lucifer and Gabriel. He pushed his palms into the counter.

"Oh, hey Cassie, Anna. Nice to see you guys." Naomi rushed off to herd her children to the table. 

"Castiel, do me a favor and go get everyone to go to the table," his mother's voice dripped with a sugary honey coating he knew was straight up fake.   
He found Naomi's husband, Ezekiel, whom she met at a church group, sitting on the couch, speaking to his father about politics of some type and Naomi kneeling on the floor, trying to teach Caleb and Grace how to say their uncle's names.

"Lu-ci-fer." Naomi reiterated.

"Lucky," Grace babbled, "Uncle Lucky." 

Lucifer grinned, "Uncle Lucky."

"Gabe-ri-el," Gabriel attempted to explain.

"Gabey," Caleb sounded out.

"Uncle Gabey," Gabriel chuckled, putting Caleb on his lap. 

Castiel gulped before stating, "Hey, um, m-mom said to go sit at the table." 

Gabriel lifted Caleb on to his shoulders, closely followed behind by Naomi, holding Grace. 

"Mommy, who that?" Grace gripped Naomi's shoulder, pointing straight at Castiel. 

"That's Uncle Cassie, sweetie." Naomi placed Grace on the floor in front of him. He kneeled down, petting her hair. 

"Hey little one," he smirked.

Grace gaped for a minute before running past him to the table. 

"I'll go get the highchairs," Ezekiel pushed his sunglasses back on his nose and headed for the front door.

Castiel dashed back to the kitchen, assisting his mother carry the food back to the table. By the time he sat down, Grace and Caleb were seated in their highchairs.   
"Let's all say grace," his father leaned his head forwards, grabbing his mother's hand and Naomi's. Castiel gripped the small hand of grace and the clammy hand of Gabriel. His father led the table in prayer, and he closed his eyes, thinking of heaven and the Angels. Anna slouched over by Caleb. 

Amen.

They all opened their eyes.

"What about Zach and Balt?" Anna asked. 

"They'll be a little late, I assume. Probably caught in traffic." His mother smoothed the side of her raven colored hair down.

Castiel still felt slightly sick from the alcohol, but didn't want to appear like he was starving himself or something, so he served himself a bowl of fruit salad in which he poked at mostly with his fork.

"Heard you were accepted to Swarthmore, Anna. Real proud of you. When do you start classes?" Naomi took a pancake and placed it on her plate, pouring a mountain of syrup.  
"Late August," Anna took a sip of her orange juice. 

"Good job, kiddo. What do you plan to be again?" Naomi cut a slice of pancake. 

"Oh, um, just an orthodontist." Anna dug her fingernails into her palm.

Castiel shoved his fork into a strawberry, chewing as slowly as humanely possible. He could feel the awkwardness creep into the room and stand on his shoulders, shoving him into his seat. Anna glared at him so harshly from across the table that he forgot what it was like for her to smile. He knew that was a terrible thing to do to her. He'd been under Dean's spell, and he left her. They'd promised to be there for each other no matter what, but he'd broken the promise. Respectively, she had too, but it wasn't like she'd gotten him arrested for underage drinking. He felt beyond guilty but knew there was no way to make this one up to her. He placed his fork on his napkin, hoping Naomi wouldn't ask any questions about him. Grace shoved her fingers into her eggs, shoving them into the edge of the platter until some fell on his shoulder. He scrunched up his shoulders, thinking, ugh, I'm never gonna have kids. He simply picked it off his shoulder with a napkin and slid to the other side in his seat. Naomi took no notice, and Ezekiel was too busy trying to act charming so the family would like him. 

"You appear to have a friend, Gabriel." Naomi chuckled as Caleb tried to squirm his way out of the highchair and into Gabriel's lap. 

"Lucky! Lucky!" Grace chanted at Lucifer as he piled three more pancakes on his plate.

Castiel began to lose himself in his own thoughts get again, falling into the trance of Dean Winchester, smell of his leather jacket and all.

"So what about you Castiel?" Naomi's question snapped him back.

"What?" He stuttered.

"What do you wanna be when you grow up?" She smiled.

"Uhh. Psychiatrist," he felt the answer escape his lips and instantly regret it. His secret had been spilled.

"Isn't one doctor in your family enough?" Naomi joked innocently. 

He smiled weakly and went back to imagining how their date would go in his head.

"Castiel, have you met your special girl yet?" Naomi chuckled.

Eyes from the rest of his family burned into him, and he felt like he was choking. He swallowed hard. He kept saying to himself one thing. Dean.

"Um, yeah...actually." He muttered. 

It was a huge lie. It wasn't a special girl at all, but an even more special guy. 

"Oh my goodness, Castiel has a girlfriend," she taunted. The rest of the table was shocked into silence, but she continued to push questions, not content with a single answer, "what's her name?" 

"Pamela," he felt the lies singe his tongue. 

"Have you had your first date yet?" Naomi cooed.

"It's...tonight, actually," he spoke softly, knowing this part wasn't false. He did have a date tonight, just not with a girl named Pamela.  
The Novak's breakfast table slowly eased out of its silence before he excused himself from the breakfast table. As he walked down the basement steps, he heard footsteps behind him. He turned to face behind him and was greeted by Anna, bristling with anger. 

"Why did you call the cops?" She growled, pinning him into the wall. He struggled against her grip.

"I didn't-" he panted, cut off as her fist connected with his temple. The burn from the pain was still weaker than his guilt, despite everything.

"Liar. We all know you did it. Because of you, all of my friends, including myself, were arrested last night," she hissed. 

"Maybe it was one of them?" He asked, full well knowing who'd done it.

"The only people missing were you and Dean Winchester. Dean is one of us. Dean is loyal. He would never call the cops, even after what we did to him," she hissed through her teeth, "Now. Fess. Up." 

"It wasn't me! I swear!" He begged before being hit with another punch, this one to the jaw. He landed on the floor with a dull thud. She kicked his side ruthlessly, him struggling to get away.

"YOU PROMISED!" She cried out. 

He remembered the promise, clear as day, right after the eldest brother, Uriel, had died. Anna was crying. Castiel had only been 8. She told him to promise her that'd he'd always be there for her no matter what. They did a pinky promise before they'd pulled the plug on Uriel's life support. He'd had no chance of waking up from the coma he'd put himself in from overdosing on pills. He'd been confused, never seeing death before, but there it was, hitting him in the face. 

He stared weakly at Anna.

"Because of you, I have no goddamn future!" The tears slid down his sister's cheeks, "Are you just gonna lay there? Do something!"

His lip was busted and bleeding, his side ached, but he lay there, ready for more of his sister's wrath. 

This was better than ratting out Dean Winchester for calling the cops, anyways. All of it would be worth it in the end. All of it.


	5. 364 Days Before.

Castiel let the cool water from the showerhead wash over his face, letting the blood run off it and spiral down into the drain. He rubbed slightly under his eye, which now had a bruise from Anna. He became one with the pounding of the water, and he became aware of his heartbeat. He knew Naomi was besides herself with excitement of him going on his first date. Like usual, he fell into a trance of anxious thoughts, thinking about every single way the date could go wrong. Fear spiked him, making him twitchy and restless. He thought of what could happen if his father found out. The anger, the hatred in his eye would burn bright and never fade. He would disown him. He would kick him out. Castiel knew he needed the funds for collage; he couldn't afford to be kicked out. But deep inside, he knew his affection for the boy with the Caramel Apple Hair and Mystical Forest Green eyes would still be there, even if he denied it, even if he ran away from it, even if he tried to hide from it, it would undoubtedly be there, slamming him in the face again and again as he tried to sleep at night.

Scrubbing the shampoo into his thick black hair, he realized that he was falling for Dean Winchester, and nothing could help him escape. All he could do was take him all the way, which meant going on the date. As he rinsed the soapy white bubbles from his hair, he imagined how unbearably girly he sounded. What must I wear? He loves me, he loves me not.

Leaning his head against the shower tile wall, he applied conditioner, rinsed it out, turned off the water. Staring into the steam, he felt relaxed, and took a deep breath. He dug his nails into the towel and wrapped it around his waist. He stepped on to the rug and stared at his reflection, icy blue eyes, pale skin, and all. Bruises began to form around his left side area, near his ribcage. He felt the ache. He pulled on his clothes from earlier and used the towel to dry his hair. He hung up the towel to dry and returned to the couch. He picked up the novel he was reading, Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card. The words in the novel seemed to spill out over the pages to certainly, so flawlessly. It was all so clear.

"Castiel!" Naomi called from upstairs as she opened the basement door, "We're bringing the little ones to the church park!"

"Okay," he replied, slowly closing Ender's Game.

He sat up and reached for his shoes, then scampered upstairs to meet his siblings at the door. His mother had already gotten Gabriel along with Grace and Caleb in the minivan, whereas Lucifer was riding alone and Naomi with Ezekiel in their car. That meant Castiel had to drive Anna. He opened the driver side door of her old Dodge Charger 1969, curling his fingers around the steering wheel. The ride was so emptily silent, unlike the night before. Anna avoided all eye contact at any cost, staring out the side window, pressing her cheek on to the smooth, cold glass.

"Anna, I swear it wasn't me. I wouldn't do that," he muttered as he took a hard turn into the church parking lot.

"Correction: Dean wouldn't. You're a liar," Anna spit out the poisonous words as she removed the seat belt and fled from the car.

Castiel pushed his palm on to his temple, sliding his hand down the side of his face in frustration and anger. He felt guilty for leaving her alone at the party the cops would crash, but felt no regret for spending time with Dean. Some things were just worth it. He opened his car door, watching as his once beloved sister slipped from his grasp. All of a sudden, a beat up rental car with windows rolled down blasting the rock station and jerking so badly that it could only be one person, his brother Balthazar. As Grace was carried by Lucifer out of the minivan, Balthazar parked next to Castiel and jumped out, slamming the door shut, his girlfriend Ruby in hand. She was a bad girl, with short dark brown hair and tattoos their dad disapproved of. They'd been together short of three years, and they came over only once a year because of the tension between Balthazar and his father. Stumbling out of the backseat came Zachariah, now the oldest at 25 ever since Uriel died years before, and carpooling because his had broken down.

"Dad, Mom, I've missed you guys." Zachariah smirked, embracing each in a warm hug.

"Zach! Balt! Gosh, I've missed you guys so much," Naomi pulled her fingers through a stand of long brown hair, "Kids, this is your Uncle Balty and Zach."

Each child exchanged a smile and a hug before stumbling away to goodness of the park, Ezekiel following close behind to let Naomi talk with her brothers.

"Been awhile," Anna muttered as she shook both of their hands.

Castiel stood awkwardly next to the Dodge Charger 1969, resting his elbows on it and rolling on to his heels. The group began to chatter endlessly, leaving him out, so he wandered towards the park. Sitting on a bench, he picked at his fingernails, bored. The squeals of the children that played were beyond irritating and he felt like banging his head into the slide. Staring back at the church, he saw the priest watering the flowers. Getting up, he went to the church. Entering through the doors, he sat on one of the long benches and began to pray. Whispering quietly, his words were crisp and clean, praying for forgiveness. But he knew no matter how much he prayed, deep down in his heart he could not shake this feeling. He was gay. He loved Dean. He was sinful. He felt the tears rush at his own anger and frustration, but knew crying would never help. He blinked them away.  
The car ride back with Anna was equally silent, and when they returned, he immediately locked himself in the basement. The time passed almost too quickly and soon enough it was 5:35 and he had to get ready. He was so nervous he could hardly feel hungry. Brushing off his shorts, he replaced them with a pair of jeans. Staring at his reflection in the mirror, he sighed and knew he had to do it. Stomping up the stairs, he saw his dad playing poker with Zachariah, Balthazar and Naomi, his mother kneeling on the floor with the kids.

"Where's Lucifer or Gabriel?" Castiel felt the words escape his mouth, instantly regretting them. They would tease him and mess his date up horribly. However, it seemed like the only choice he had.

"I'll take you Cassie," Balthazar clicked his tongue, pointing at Naomi, "Naomi already told me all about my baby brother growing up."

Kissing Ruby goodbye, he placed his cards face down on the table and escorted Castiel to the car. Castiel's hands shook as he got in the side of the rental car, paint chipping into his hand as he grabbed the handle. Fumbling with his blue tie, he buckled his seat belt. The crackled leather seat was uncomfortable and smelled like cigarette smoke. He swallowed hard and bit his lip. The words first date played over and over like a stuck record in his head. As Balthazar turned the key in the keyhole, the engine made an awful sputtering sound that turned his stomach sour. Balthazar drove awfully. Cringing at every hard turn and stop, he clutched the side of the seat with white knuckles. He played a station of some kind at full volume with the windows rolled down for everyone to hear.

"Loosen up, Castiel," he smirked, nudging Castiel.

After a painfully long drive to Harvelle's Diner, they sat in front.

"Knock 'er dead, Castiel," Balthazar winked and made a clicking noise with his teeth as Castiel scrambled out of the passenger side seat. Closing the door, the old car drove away, leaving him alone with the paint chips under his fingernails. He wiped his sweaty palms on his jeans before messing with his tie and entering Harvelle's. He'd never really been here before, but he knew that the Harvelles were not a force to be reckoned with. They were tough.

The bar area was stocked with bikers, but the restaurant section was primarily empty with the rock station playing something by the Dire Straits in the background. He immediately spotted Dean, caramel colored hair and all. He was hit by a wave of nervous energy as he saw him.

"Dean?" his words were slightly suppressed, escaping his dry mouth.

Dean whirled around in his chair with his mouth turned up ever so slightly in the right corner. His eyes crinkled at the edges as he stood up and bounded over to him as if he was a happy puppy. He embraced him in a hug, Castiel fitting his head in the crook of Dean's neck. His whole body tingled at Dean's touch. Slowing pulling away, he ached for a kiss but knew it was much too risky here. He ran a single hand through his hair as he sat across from Dean in a wooden chair.

"Hey Dean, I'm still here," Ellen descended from the side, humor ringing in her raspy voice, "Is this your date?"

She was an older woman with little gray hairs piercing her profile of dirty blond hair. Her eyes had deep running wrinkles and eye bags that proved she hadn't slept easy for a while.

Dean reached across the table, taking Castiel's hand in his, "Yes."

Castiel felt his cheeks heat, turning into a flushed red color. He laced his fingers tightly around Dean's.

"What's your name, hun?" Ellen leaned on the table adjacent from them.

Dean took this question, "This is Castiel Novak."

Ellen stumbled backwards in shock, "You're a N-Novak?"

Castiel felt the horror slap him in the face. He ran a ragged hand through his hair, nodding.

Ellen shook her head, pity spreading all over and said, "Best of luck to ya, boy."

She continued shaking her head as she disappeared into the bar area.

He felt Dean's shocked gaze burn into him, "My Dad...he's a preacher. He hates gays. I should...probably...go..." he trailed off.

"No Cas, stay. Screw your dad. Hell, screw everyone. It's not fair that we can't be able to love when everyone is allowed to love who they want. Fuck it. He can't tell you who you can love. I love you. Do you love me?"

Cas gripped Dean's hand tighter, licking his lips. He suddenly felt indifferent about his Dad hating gays. He leaned in, a hush whisper in Dean's ear.

"I am in love with you, Dean Winchester."

Sitting back down, they stared for a few minutes, green eyes meeting blue.

"Dean-o!" he heard a young female voice ring behind them.

"Hey Jo." Dean grinned softly, "You waitressing us?"

"Sure thing, Dean." Jo pushed a stand of curly blonde hair away from her face before pulling out a small notepad from her back pocket.

Dean winked at Castiel, "We'll get two beers. Oh, and some fries."

Jo raised an eyebrow as she scribbled the notes in, "We all know you ain't old enough, Dean. How about your precious lil' pet here? My Mom keeps muttering about a Novak boy."

"I'm Castiel. I'll just get a water." Castiel tapped a finger.

Dean kept his smug grin at Jo as she scribbled out two beers and put one beer and one water.

"Fine. You paying though." Jo sashayed back into the bar section.

Dean let the left side of his mouth curl into a smile.  
"Would it be completely outrageous if we went out for a ride after this?"

Castiel let out a breath, "Absolutely not."

"Good, cause I wanna show you something."

Jo stumbled back with a basket of fries, a beer for Dean, and water for Castiel. Dean handed her a twenty, demanding she keep the change. He chewed each fry slowly, savoring the flavor after not eating before. Dean ate a few as he sipped his beer. Taking one last sip, he gripped Cas's arm.

"Let's get out of here."

He followed Dean as the went into the quiet parking lot. Slipping on his helmet and riding jacket, he pulled at Castiel's tie. Castiel unlooped the tie as Dean undid a few buttons. Handing him a helmet, Castiel put it on gratefully. Dean identified his bike and put his feet on the pedals. Castiel got on the back.

"Hold on tight."

Castiel gripped his arms around Dean's middle. The sun had just began to dip underneath the horizon, sending the colors across the sky. He was immediately breathless at the rumbling of the motorcycle started. Dean pushed it forward, toes on the gas. The motorcycle rumbled out of the parking lot as they drove down the road.  
Castiel felt himself become one with everything; Dean's heartbeat and breathing, the rumble of the motorcycle, the colors of the sky, and the sound of his own vitals, everything had just come into balance. This is where he belonged, wrapped around Dean. Sure, he'd lived in the same house for the full seventeen years of his life, but he'd never felt more at home than here, and at home he'd never felt more homesick. Admittedly he loved Dean, and there was no way to fight the feeling.

"Dean, I love you." He whispered into Dean's shoulder.

"I love you, too, Cas." He could feel Dean's smile before he even saw it.

"This is what I wanted to show you, Cas. Home. Home isn't about having a place you live in. sometimes home can be when you're wrapped in someone. Being without you is like being homeless, Cas. I missed you. Missing someone doesn't have a limit either. Missing someone isn't about the time you've been apart or anything. It's about craving the person more than anything." Dean's words were soft and delicate.

Pulling the motorcycle over, he stopped the rumbling and took his helmet and jacket off, leaning over the side. Castiel followed his lead.

"I just wish I could do this not in secret." Dean mumbled as he pulled Castiel closer, lacing his fingers with his own.

Castiel leaned forward and pressed his nose against Dean's feverishly and whispered huskily, "Kiss me, goddamnit."

Pressing his lips against Dean's, he ran his fingers along Dean's muscular shoulders. It started slow and gentle and first, then it heated up like a fire, the tinders burning impatiently.

 

The worst part about a fire is that the flame inevitably, will go out.


End file.
